


Keeping Count

by dislodge263



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Hurt, Implied Character Death, M/M, Not Beta Read, Past Derek/Stiles, References to Suicide, Sadness, suicide note
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-16
Updated: 2013-02-16
Packaged: 2017-11-29 13:13:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/687346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dislodge263/pseuds/dislodge263
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I always thought we'd have that happy ending, that stereotypical ending of growing old together, rocking chairs and all. I always thought we'd get married, have kids, have grand-kids and then eventually get buried next to each other. I always thought you were my forever."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Without You](https://archiveofourown.org/works/686010) by [rebeccabethstilinski](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rebeccabethstilinski/pseuds/rebeccabethstilinski). 



> First fic i've written for Teen Wolf, I read "Without You" and got sort of inspired to write a suicide note type fic and this was the outcome.

Dear Derek  
I always thought we'd have that happy ending, that stereotypical ending of growing old together, rocking chairs and all. I always thought we'd get married, have kids, have grand-kids and then eventually get buried next to each other. I always thought you were my forever. Thinking back now though, it seems silly, it seems like such a childish dream. I don't know when I realised it, probably when you left, but one day It just sort of clicked. It clicked that we'd never have that forever, we'd never have kids, never even get married. Sad isn't it? Pathetic really.

At least now I don't have to worry about leaving you, it hurts enough knowing that I'm leaving Scott, my dad and the pack behind, I don't think I’d be able to handle knowing I was leaving you behind as well.

The day you walked out, it felt like somebody ripped my heart out and put it threw a blender, though I'm sure you already knew that. You knew exactly how I felt about you, you knew exactly what leaving would do, yet you left anyway. Do you know how long it's been since I’ve seen you and your stupid eyebrows? Of course not, you probably haven't even thought about it. Well, I have and I can tell you it's been 4 years and 183 days, 1643 days. It's been 1640 days since I last kissed you. You probably think I’m crazy for knowing that. The doctors would agree with you if you did though. Well they didn't say that exactly but that's what they're thinking. A non-crazy person doesn't count the days like I do, they don't leave a tally of those days on the walls. Even my dad thinks I’m crazy. I like to think it's more of a support system though, not craziness. I'm definitely not crazy.

Who knew I’d be able to get side tracked in a letter? Anyway, you left and if I'm telling you the truth, then I’d tell you that my life's been spectacularly different since that day. Did you know I don't even live at home any more? I know that's exactly what you'd expect from a twenty one year old but this is different. Scott left for college 2 years ago, so did the rest of the pack but you know that. They told me you keep in touch, that you call once a month, only ever on the day of the full moon, but still, a phone call is better than nothing right? Right. But yeah, I don't live at home, the pack all decided to go to college away from here, like 5 hours away from here, 5 hours away from me. They do visit on holidays, send letters every now and then, pictures and post cards as well. I didn't go to college, obviously, or I’d more than likely be with them, but no. I stayed here, didn't have a choice really, doctors said I couldn't leave, that it wasn't safe or something. Hell, I’m not a danger to anyone, they don't even know danger like I do. Like we do... did... have done.  
It was strange not living with dad at first. It always felt like something was missing but I got used to it, you get used to the weekly visits and the lack of home-made dinners after a while. You even get used to the smell of disinfectant. Everything's so clean, it's ridiculously different from home, even though this is home now. I don't think this will ever feel like home though, it lacks everything you need to call a place a home, it lacks that family feeling.

Why am I even telling you about this place? If you ever came back I wouldn't be here, you'd never see it so what's the point? I guess there isn't one, I guess I just wanted you to know. I want you to know everything, everything that's gone on in the past 4 years in tiny detail but it'd use up so much paper, it'd be a waste.

The truth. Truth and trust. They go hand in hand don't you think? You can't have one without the other. I don't trust you now and I’ll never trust you again. I did at one point, when you trusted me enough to be your true self around me. That all changed though, everything changed. But I guess this is going to be the one time truth exists without that trust.

When you left, it hurt Derek, god did it hurt. It hurt so fucking much, I hated you for it, I still hate you for it. It never stopped hurting, it still hurts now. The week after though, that was bad, I refused to see anyone, I didn't talk and I developed an odd fascination with pain and counting. Mental pain, physical pain, I didn't care, any would be okay. The counting kept me grounded, kept me relatively calm. The fascinations helped. Helped better than crying, helped better than sleeping. Scars became a way to show that I could survive without you here, counting the scars and days became a way for me to remember how strong I could be. Stupid right? Yep, really fucking stupid. But the pain and numbers helped me get through that week. The next month everyone was so busy getting ready for college, buying new stuff, getting all excited. They were so busy so nobody dropped by to hang, nobody came into my room, nobody really noticed anything was wrong. That month passed and it'd been 50 days since you left. People started to come by again, to ask if I was ready for college, to invite me to good-bye parties. They noticed then, I think it shocked them, the pack was weirded out for sure. Scott asked my dad why one of my bedroom walls had a line of tally marks on it. Safe to say my dad didn't have any idea what he was talking about. He called a doctor, got me an appointment. Everyone left for college knowing I wouldn't be joining them and knowing I was too medicated to care.

The next half a year passed in a blur. The tallies grew. I got admitted to here, became a patient at B.H. Psychiatric Hospital. After that I sort of blanked out for a bit I guess. Next thing I knew and it'd been 2 years and everyone was halfway through college. Crazy right?

I missed you. Obviously I missed you, I loved you like crazy. I was still hurt, still hated you, still counted the days since you left. Spent my days wishing you'd come back and say you loved me too. God, I was so stupid. The 2 years after that, I carried on counting but stopped the pain, my body just couldn't handle that pain. I knew I should of let you turn me, I’d have been stronger then. It's been 4 years and I’m still in this hospital, but now the nurses know me and now I get special treatment and sleeping pills so it's a little better. I even have a calender to help me count. But the doctors, they don't know what made me lose it, my dad and the pack don't know the full story either. They just think it's because you left.

It's not just that though Derek, it's what you said, how you said it. I remember the look you had in your eyes, I remember how you smashed the photo frame in anger and I remember how you pushed me out of the way so you could leave. But most of all, I remember what you said. That's why I started doing it. I knew that everything you said was a lie. I knew you didn't mean it and I knew you would realise that eventually and that's why I started counting. I decided to count the days until you'd come back and tell me you were wrong. I decided that if you came back and saw the scars, you'd realise how strong I actually am. Yes I realised we'd never live out my fantasy but it's taken until now, 4 years and 183 days later, to realised that you aren't coming back and that you will never see what I’ve done for you. I've known all along I can't live without you, but the idea that maybe you'll come back gave me a reason to carry on, there isn't really a point now that I know the truth. This letter, this letter is me telling you what I’ve done. This letter is me telling you what you will never see. This letter is me saying goodbye.

I don't think you'll be at my funeral, I don't think you’d have the guts to turn up. My dad would probably shoot you if you did. God my dad. I feel horrible for doing this to him, but he'll be okay because he'll know I’ll be with mom. That's a nice thought. Hey, I might even see your family up there. I'd finally meet the ruthless and fabulous Laura Hale. I'd tell her how much of a dick you are but I’d also tell her I love you despite it. So yeah, I guess I still love you. No matter how much I hate you, no matter how much pain you have caused me, I still do and will always love you.

  
Goodbye, Sourwolf  
Stiles.


	2. Too Late

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "He knew the words he'd said had hurt the boys feelings, he was aware of how harsh they'd been, yet he didn't regret saying them. “Speak your feelings, Derek.” his mother had always said, “Let people know what goes on in that brain of yours.” "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is from Derek's POV and takes place just over 2 weeks after Stiles wrote the letter.

Derek had heard from the pack what had happened to Stiles after he'd left. They'd informed him of the pain he'd caused the boy and they'd let him know they weren't happy with him because of it. He knew the words he'd said had hurt the boys feelings, he was aware of how harsh they'd been, yet he didn't regret saying them. “Speak your feelings, Derek.” his mother had always said, “Let people know what goes on in that brain of yours.” Of course, after his family had died because of speaking said feelings he'd put his mothers words of wisdom to the back of his mind and focused on surviving. But when him and Stiles became a thing he allowed himself to remember her words, then when Stiles came out with the words “I love you” he'd take her advice and said exactly what went through his mind. True, what he said was cruel but it got his thoughts across and he'd been able to leave without putting anyone he loved in danger. Well that's what he believed had happened until the pack had told him of Stiles' mental state.

He knew that Stiles was in a hospital, he knew the boy had lost his mind and had become obsessive but he didn't think it would be helpful to visit and see with his own eyes the damage he'd caused. So that's exactly what Derek did for 4 years. He didn't visit and he resumed the life he'd had in New York, minus Laura's company of course. He finished his degree, got a decent, well paying job and bought a small house. He lived his life for 4 years with monthly phone calls to check up on the pack but no face-to-face contact with any of them. He told them to stay at college, said he'd visit when he could but he was busy, told them to stay safe and that he'd help on full moons. So when the pack turned up on his door step 4 years after leaving them, he was shocked to say the least.

They'd stayed for no longer than 3 hours. They'd hugged him, told him they missed him and they'd cried without telling him why. Scott cried the most, Scott sat in Derek's kitchen and sobbed into his coffee. The pack sat silently around the table with tears running down their faces, some sniffled occasionally but none were as loud as Scott. Derek tried to comfort them without knowing the reason for their upset, he handed out tissues and hugged them all again. After 3 hours of the crying and comfort attempts, Scott stood and handed Derek a letter before nodding a quick goodbye and leaving through the front door. The others did the same shortly after, Isaac leaving after another hug and murmured words of comfort. The pack had left and now Derek was stood slightly confused holding a letter, with 6 cups of coffee left untouched on his kitchen table.

The letter, it turns out was from Stiles. He noticed the handwriting straight away and almost dropped the letter in shock. His instant reaction was  _why_ ,  _why would Stiles write him a letter? He'd purposely refused to think of the boy for 4 years so why would Scott hand him this letter now?_  At first he didn't read the letter, he simply stared at it. He didn't know what to think and he definitely didn't know what he would do after he'd read it. He knows Stiles had written to him for a reason but he just couldn't bring himself to read it.

 

After several minutes of staring he began to read.

“I always thought we'd have that happy ending...” _You always were naïve, you never thought about what was and wasn't reality. How did you not know what we had wouldn't last?_

“don't think I’d be able to handle knowing I was leaving you behind as well _” What the hell? Leaving? I may have left you behind, but that doesn't mean I stopped caring about you._

“You knew exactly how I felt about you, you knew exactly what leaving would do _” I knew how you felt, I did what I did because I knew. Leaving you was better than staying and you getting hurt like everything else I care for._

“5 hours away from me _” You all planned to leave Beacon Hills, you'd all applied to the same colleges, you'd all gotten in to the same place. Surely you didn't believe they left to get away from you. Tell me you didn't think._

“it'd be a waste _” Nothing you say would ever be a waste, everything you say has meaning, you and your stupid words that always mean so much._

“I don't trust you now and I’ll never trust you again” W _hy does that hurt so much? It's been 4 years, I shouldn't need you to trust me any more, I shouldn't even want your trust._

“Scars became a way to show that I could survive without you here _” Jesus Christ, Stiles you fucking idiot, you already had enough scars that I’d caused, I can't handle the idea of you harming yourself over me. Everybody knows you don't need me, they all know you need nobody but yourself, God Stiles, you're so strong on your own, you don't need anybody!_

“Obviously I missed you, I loved you like crazy. I was still hurt, still hated you _...” I don't deserve your love, I never did and never will. You should hate me, I hate me, the pack hates me._

“But most of all, I remember what you said. _” I'm such a fucking idiot. Those words, they were to prove a point and I’ve never regretted saying them until now. Now, I regret it so much Stiles._

“I decided that if you came back and saw the scars, you'd realise how strong I actually am _” I know how strong you are, the world knows how strong Stiles Stilinski is. You fought wolves, kanimas and held my ass up in a pool for two hours. You are the definition of strong, you don't need scars to prove that._

“it's taken until now, 4 years and 183 days later, to realised that you aren't coming back _” Why would you hold on for so long? Why wait for me? I left, I broke your heart and I hurt you. I don't deserve that. You should have just moved on, it would have been better than waiting for me._

“the idea that maybe you'll come back gave me a reason to carry on, there isn't really a point now _” No point? You can't mean that...no...not that...._

“This letter is me saying goodbye. _” You mean it? You can't...that's not even...please_

“I don't think you'll be at my funeral _” NO...please God no!_

“No matter how much I hate you, no matter how much pain you have caused me, I still do and will always love you. _” NO, I've lost everything else I love through death, I can't lose you too._

“Goodbye, Sourwolf _._ Stiles. _”_

 

Derek finished reading the letter. He was shaking, his fangs were out and he was pretty sure those were tears that were hitting the paper.

“NO! Please God don't let this be it, I can't...” He stopped, grabbed the phone and rang Scott, not even entirely sure the beta would pick up.

“Scott! For the love of God, tell me...” He stopped himself before Scott could here the tears in his voice.

“Derek...I'm sorry, I just I can't okay? If you want to know more then ring the Sheriff. I can't talk about this right now” Scott hung up before Derek could reply.

It took him 2 hours to calm down, to begin to breathe normally again. If he was going to ring the Sheriff he'd need to sound fine, to sound like his heart wasn't being crushed.

The Sheriff picked up after the second ring.

“Sheriff...I'm so sorry, I just heard, Scott just gave me a letter and I just...I need to know when. I need to know!” The words were rushing out before he could stop himself, he didn't give the Sheriff a chance to say anything before they were out.

“Two weeks ago. He...he hung himself. The funeral was a week ago. He...he um, he left a note saying you weren't to be there. I'm sorry son.” The Sheriff sounded like he was on the verge of crying and to be completely honest Derek didn't blame him, yet he didn't understand why he was being apologized to. He voiced this down the phone.

“I know you and he, we knew you and he were some sort of an item at one point, we knew it'd be best to keep from giving you the letter until after the funeral. I'm sorry Derek, I’d rather not talk about this now. Again, I'm sorry.” With that the Sheriff hung up.

 

_Two weeks, Stiles hung himself two weeks ago and he didn't want me at the funeral._ Derek spent a good few days contemplating this, thinking and rethinking over and over, how he had carried on his day to day life while Stiles' father and his pack had been grieving the boys death. He'd not sensed his packs grief at all. He was the worlds worst Alpha, he should have been there to comfort them, he should have known the instant they'd began mourning. The boy he had hidden his feelings from was now dead because of his attempt to keep the boy safe. This was another death on his conscience, another one that would keep him up at night. Another death that he'd have to live with. This one felt worse than the others, this felt as though he'd been the one to take the boys last breath.

With a quick text to Isaac to get the information he needed he packed a bag and got ready to leave. He knew it wasn't safe given the state he was currently in, he knew it was a stupid idea but he got into the Camaro and he drove. He drove with his claws leaving marks in the steering wheel. He drove for days, only stopping when absolutely necessary, he drove until he reached the location he hadn't visited for 4 years, a location he'd visited for different reasons. He got out of his car and walked through the gates of the cemetery. He walked until he reached his family's plot. He stopped for a moment to apologize for his stupidity, to let them know he thought of them often, then he resumed walking.

Finally reaching the plot he was here for, he sat down on the freshly laid turf in front of the grave. He ran his shaking hands over the name and felt, once again, like this was all his fault.

“I'm sorry, I'm so so very sorry. You shouldn't have done this, you should have carried on and found someone more worthy. I'm sorry that I didn't say it when I should of, I'm sorry Stiles...” He was crying openly, something he rarely did.

“I know it's too late, I know I can't take back what I’ve made you do...” He had to stop himself, had to calm down knowing that what he said next would be the hardest thing to say.

"Stiles..."


End file.
